Living My Best Life Read online

  For my dad, who I hope would have been proud

  Chapter One

  Bell

  Bell’s eyes snapped open as she tried to work out whether the persistent hammering she could hear was in her head or in her house. She’d dropped off on the sofa while watching an early evening wildlife documentary about endangered species in the Andes, and the noise she could hear sounded more like someone banging on a window than the call of the yellow-tailed woolly monkey on the TV screen. Suddenly the cushion her head was nestled comfortably against began to shake alarmingly, and it took her another few seconds to realise her phone was vibrating beneath it. Still half-asleep, she jabbed at the green icon.

  ‘Finally! I’m outside; come and let me in.’

  Bell managed to get her brain into gear enough to process the good news, which was that the constant knocking noise had, at last, stopped. The bad news, however, was that it appeared her best friend was on the other side of her front door.

  She shook herself fully awake, levered herself off the sofa and traipsed down the hall.

  ‘What? What’s going on?’ she stuttered, as she opened the door.

  ‘Duh! It’s me, Suze? You know, your best friend who you’ve been refusing to go for Saturday night drinks with for the past six weeks? Now, are you going to let me in or what?’

  Before Bell could open her mouth, Suze stepped inside, closed the door firmly behind her, turned to face Bell and beamed. ‘Hi, Bellster! Tonight I’m your fairy godmother and you shall go to the ball! Well, into town to a bar full of lovely people, anyway. And I brought wine so I can drink it while you get ready. I might even let you have some if you go and get in the shower right now. I’m sure I can find the glasses.’

  As Bell’s brain caught up with everything Suze was saying, she finally managed to do more than just gawp at her. ‘How did you know I was in? I might have been really busy this evening, for all you knew.’

  Suze laughed gently. ‘Bell, darling, you haven’t been busy on a Saturday night since Colin broke up with you back in January. And despite the many excuses you’ve been giving me over the past few weeks, I took a wild guess that I’d find you ensconced on the sofa.’

  Bell watched Suze take in her fleecy pyjamas and messy top-knot and saw how her friend’s expression transformed into the determined look she’d seen so many times before. She knew there was no point arguing, but she really didn’t think she could face a night out. Not yet. Seemingly reading her thoughts, Suze scooped her up into a hug.

  ‘I know you’ve been through a really tough time, but you can’t hide away in here for ever, Bellster. And it’s going to be a very chilled night, just me and Ellie and a load of mates, none of whom know anything about Colin so you don’t even have to mention him if you don’t want to.’ Suze pulled away and gave a delicate sniff. ‘Have you been wearing those PJs all day? Go on, jump in the shower. I’ll pour the wine and have a rummage through your wardrobe so you don’t even have to decide what to wear. That’s how much of a fairy godmother I am!’

  Bell meekly allowed herself to be steered into the bathroom, and after standing under the jets of water for a few minutes, she already felt a bit better. She opened her bedroom door to find Suze rifling through hangers.

  ‘Right, moisturiser and hairdryer and then I’ll do your make-up for you,’ Suze ordered. ‘Oh, and get this down you. Cheers!’

  She clinked her glass against Bell’s and Bell took a grateful gulp. She and Tesco’s £4.99 Cab Sauv had been inseparable for almost a month after Colin had dumped her, so she’d spent the last couple of weeks trying to cut down. But tonight definitely called for all the wine. She allowed her friend to primp and preen her, but drew the line at the strappy dress and sky-high heels Suze had picked out.

  ‘I haven’t worn this dress since I was at uni – which was many years ago as you well know – and I’m not about to start now,’ she said firmly. She pulled on her favourite skinny jeans and finally agreed to a lacy vest top that bordered on the underwear-as-outerwear trend she was sure nearly-forty-year-old women shouldn’t really attempt to wear.

  ‘Right, let me give you a refill and then sit down and I’ll do that flicky eyeliner I’m so good at.’ Suze grinned. ‘Don’t look at me like that, you know what happened last time you tried to do it yourself. The other evening I watched this ace YouTube video on how to do it properly every time. In fact, I sent you the link on Facebook. Didn’t you see my message?’

  ‘No, I didn’t.’ Bell took a large sip of her wine and then an even bigger breath in. ‘I don’t have Facebook anymore.’

  Suze stared at her friend, her mouth agape. ‘Yes, you do, don’t be silly. This is you we’re talking about, Bell. You who can go barely ten minutes without checking social media.’

  ‘Well, I’ve deleted it. And Instagram and Twitter,’ Bell announced defiantly. How dare Suze say that! Bell hardly ever checked her feeds. Only a couple of times after waking up and on the journey to work, and then a few times in the morning, then not till lunchtime and maybe a few times later on when she hit her mid-afternoon slump, and possibly she did a quick check before she left at the end of the day, too, and if she was at home during the evening she’d have a sneaky look, but – anyway, she wasn’t as bad as some people.

  She noticed Suze had stopped blending blusher across her cheeks. ‘What? It’s not that big a deal.’

  Suze fixed Bell with a penetrating gaze and said, ‘So, you’ve deleted all your social media accounts. Do you want to tell me why?’

  ‘I just don’t think it’s healthy for me at the moment,’ Bell said quietly. Then, realising Suze’s arched eyebrow meant she wasn’t going to let her off that easily, she added, ‘And yesterday evening I saw Colin had been tagged in a picture.’

  ‘And? What was the picture of?’

  ‘It was a photo taken the other night of him and some people from his accountancy firm with the caption “Thursday night LOLs”. I recognised a few of his colleagues, like Matt and James, and then I saw he had his arm round someone else I recognised. Her name’s Tina and she’s one of the juniors.’

  ‘They could have just been cosying up for the photo, though,’ Suze reasoned.

  ‘Except that one arm was round her shoulders and the other was round her waist. And his lips were stuck to her face.’

  ‘Hmm, really quite cosy, then,’ Suze said, grimacing.

  ‘Yep. Christ, could he be more of a cliché? She might not be his secretary, but she’s as near as, dammit. It’s just so . . . annoying. Here am I at home every evening lying on the sofa cradling a bottle of wine and grieving for our ten-year relationship, and there’s him out on the town fondling some twenty-year-old. He promised, Suze, he promised there wasn’t anyone else. And now it appears not even two months later there is. God, he’s pathetic. Though not as pathetic as me. You’d have thought that in the last thirty-nine years I might have learned how to deal with heartbreak. But no, I’m still the sucker replaying every conversation we ever had, wondering if he ever thought about us getting married and staying together forever, and trying to work out what he really thought about me. About us.’

  Tears pricked her eyes and her throat itched with sadness and frustration. She reached for her wine. She was too old to be crying over a man, plus she didn’t want her eye makeup to run.

  ‘What a knob.’ Suze said.

  ‘I know, but he was my knob. Anyway, I thought you liked him. You always said how nice he was.’

  ‘That was until he upset you, Bellster. No one gets to upset you and stay in my good books. And, yeah, he was always nice to me, and you guys seemed nice together. But maybe it was all a bit too, well, nice? Where was the passion? Where were the spontaneous romantic nights away? The uncontrollable laugh
ter?’

  ‘I guess after ten years you can’t really expect that, though,’ Bell said defensively.

  ‘Why not? Of course you’ve got to be realistic and the honeymoon period can’t go on for ever, but there’s got to be a spark; you’ve got to keep the romance alive. Ellie and I are definitely not the perfect couple, but having a long-distance relationship keeps things interesting if nothing else.’

  ‘Maybe men are where I’ve been going wrong all this time,’ Bell sighed.

  ‘You’re welcome to join the club any time, sweetie! But I don’t think this is a man/woman thing, I think it’s a you/Colin thing. I know you’re upset – it would be weird if you weren’t after ten years – but I do think in the long run it’s the best thing that could have happened to you.’

  ‘But maybe I was happy in a relationship that wasn’t interesting or spontaneous or passionate, or any of the other things you think it should have been.’

  ‘Were you, though? Were you really, Bell?’ Suze asked gently.

  ‘I really thought I was. Although the last few weeks have made me think . . . But why do it after ten years? Why didn’t Col say something last year or the year before, or however long ago he started to feel unhappy?’

  ‘For the same reason you didn’t, I expect. Because what you had felt safe, it felt nice. So why rock the boat? But then maybe he realised that all the things that were missing were all the things he missed.’

  ‘And all the things that dear Tina could provide!’ Bell spat. ‘I don’t even really blame her, though she’s not going to be top of my Christmas card list. And I also know that I can’t even blame Col one hundred per cent either. See, Suze, I haven’t wasted the last six weeks. But, still, what a dick.’

  Suze giggled. ‘Yep. And cheers to that! And to you leaving social media. And to you not getting slapped with an ASBO for stalking your ex now you don’t have Facebook.’ They clinked glasses and Bell even managed a smile. She could see that a lot of what Suze had said was true and that she and Col had just got lazy, staying together because it seemed easier than arguing and having a full-on heart-to-heart.

  She was shaken out of her reverie by Suze saying, ‘Lips together and blot. Excellent, now what do you think?’

  She stood in front of the mirror and barely recognised herself. ‘Could be worse, I s’pose,’ she smiled.

  ‘That’s the spirit! Right, come on, my friend, now you look the part let’s go party!’

  As Bell followed her out of the front door and into the waiting taxi that Suze had magicked up from one of her phone’s many apps, she couldn’t help but be impressed by Suze’s ability to bulldoze her out of her pyjamas and into a bar. She was all too aware of how intimidating she had found Suze when she had first met her. On Bell’s first day at work, she had walked into the Style It Out office in her trying-too-hard culottes and had wilted when she’d been introduced to her gorgeous desk mate. But within minutes, Suze had offered her a large coffee and a whole load of office gossip and Bell had decided it was all going to be okay. She realised too that she was never going to pull off a jumpsuit in the same way her stylish colleague could, with her chicly bobbed hair complete with fringe that was exactly the right level of shortness.

  The taxi pulled up at the bar and they headed inside just as Suze’s girlfriend Ellie was opening a bottle of prosecco.

  ‘Perfect timing,’ grinned Suze happily. ‘Here you go, Bell. Cheers, everyone! Now you know Els, obviously, and you’ve met Clara, Jules and Lara before, but I don’t think I’ve introduced you to Lily and Al, have I? Guys, this is Bell, and you are going to love her!’

  Bell surprised herself by having a fun night chatting to most of the twenty-strong group of Suze’s friends who’d gathered for their regular knees-up.

  ‘It’s so hard to get everyone together in one place, but we always put four dates in the diary every year and pretty much everyone manages to make it, unless they’re abroad for work or on holiday or whatever,’ explained Lily, who Bell learned was a garden designer hoping to make it to the Chelsea Flower Show the following year. Her husband Al was a muscly builder and spent much of the time touching Lily’s arm, kissing the side of her head and telling Bell how proud he was of his wife.

  Bell tried not to compare their relationship to her and Col’s, but inevitably her mind kept wandering to parties they had gone to. He’d never been the touchy-feely type, but she struggled to remember a time when they’d been surrounded by friends and he’d said how much he admired Bell for her career, or in fact, for anything. He’d never been nasty or rude about her, thank god – Col just wasn’t that kind of person – he just hadn’t said anything about her at all. And, yes, he’d always made sure she had a drink and wasn’t stuck talking to Gary, the one friend of his he knew she really didn’t like (there had been an incident at a BBQ years earlier involving a football, Bell’s glass of red wine and her very pale summer dress, under which she wasn’t wearing a bra), but he’d never even have thought of complimenting her in front of other people. Bell, on the other hand, would often find herself telling stories about Col rescuing spiders from the bath and how he was aiming to be made a partner at work within the next few years, in a weird, almost boastful way. She definitely wasn’t ready to examine too closely why they’d each acted like this, and pulled herself back into the conversation around her.

  ‘What do you think, Bell, are you up for another drink and a dance?’ She looked up to find Ellie grinning at her. ‘We’re going to relive our youth at Heaven & Hell. Nineties tunes all night – what’s not to love!’

  ‘I think that’s my cue to leave,’ Bell said with a small smile. Seeing her best friend’s face start to take on the wheedling expression she knew so well, she continued quickly, ‘No, Suze, I’m fine, really, my bed is calling.’ She hugged her friend and whispered, ‘Thank you for staging an intervention and making me come out tonight. I love you.’

  ‘I was worried you’d hate me!’ Suze said, squeezing her tightly. ‘Sorry for bullying you into this evening, but I’m so glad you had a good night. See you on Monday, sweetie.’

  Bell headed down the road and joined the crowd of people waiting for the bus home. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, checked it for messages, then looked forlornly at her home screen, which seemed strangely empty without its social media apps.

  Her attention was caught by a couple arguing across the road. Despite the girl looking upset, no one seemed to be checking she was okay, and Bell dithered about crossing over to talk to her. But at that moment she spied the bus approaching and her need to get home and back into her pyjamas overtook any Good-Samaritan thoughts. Glancing back over to the couple, she realised the girl actually seemed to be having an argument with whoever was at the other end of her phone, while the guy she was with hovered close to her looking awkward and patting her back self-consciously every so often.

  The girl gave one last shout of annoyance, screaming, ‘And stop calling me Amanda – my name’s Millie, you flipping pompous git!’ into her phone before stuffing it back in her bag. Bell laughed to herself as she got on the bus and watched the scene through the window. The girl no longer sounded like a damsel in distress and seemed perfectly capable of looking after herself. Though Bell was still glad to see she had someone with her to make sure she was okay. A sudden pang hit her. If there was one thing Colin was good at it was making her feel better when she started bawling at a tear-jerking film, or on the rare occasions she came home from work upset.

  Although it wasn’t lost on her what a fat lot of good he’d been when it was him making her cry back in January!

  Chapter Two

  Millie

  Millie had periodically flirted with Tinder, more often than not finding it the most depressing place to be of an evening. She’d then moved on to other apps, which while not exactly full of positivity and fun, were slightly less hideous. And it was on one of these apps that she’d come across Tom. They’d matched with each other and then the ball had been in h
er court as to whether she messaged him or not. She’d swiped right mainly because he had the kindest-looking face of anyone she’d seen on her various dating app forays, so one lonely night when five-year-old Wolf was in bed and there was nothing on the TV, she decided she might as well contact him. Their messages had remained very much on the side of pleasant rather than passionate, but when Tom suggested they meet for a drink, she hadn’t immediately said no. Wolf’s dad Louis would be coming to pick him up on Friday night for his once-every-four-weeks weekend with his son, so Millie had two days of emptiness stretching ahead of her. With nothing better to do, she asked Tom if he was free on Saturday night. His reply came back alarmingly fast.

  Sounds great! What about 8 o’clock at the Duke of York, and then we can go for a bite to eat later if we fancy it? Looking forward to it! T x

  Millie knew she should probably tell someone where and when she was going on a date, in case he turned out to be a serial killer, but she didn’t really have any friends locally she wanted to tell, or in fact any friends locally at all. She certainly wasn’t going to tell Louis this nugget of information as he was bound to try to use it against her at some point; though how he thought he’d get away with it, when he spent half his life parading twenty-year-old after twenty-year-old on his arm, was anyone’s guess. She supposed she’d better let her dad know what she was doing, so she sent a quick, breezy text and promised to call him soon.

  By the time Louis rang the doorbell at 5.15pm on Friday night, Wolf had worked himself up into a state of huge excitement.

  ‘Daddy!’ he yelled, dropping his Spider-Man figurine, running to the door and impatiently waiting for Millie to open it.

  ‘Wolf Cub!’ Louis grinned, scooping him up and holding the little boy aloft like he was baby Simba in The Lion King. ‘How are you, mate? Good to see ya!’

  As Wolfie went into a big spiel about all the superhero toys he’d packed in his little wheeled case to show him, Millie peered round the door.